I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
FUCK WHALES
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
