so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
