after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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