This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
