to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
