You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i've created a new STD.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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