Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize