totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
