I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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