I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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