So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
