If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
