You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
