Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
