Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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