If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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