Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
