How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
