Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize