we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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