There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
