Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Houston, we have a blender
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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