I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
