I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just cropdusted the office
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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