The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
