I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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