I skipped work to stalk him.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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