I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
