I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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