I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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