and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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