if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
