the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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