Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
