i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
