I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently you make a good broom.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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