the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sarcasm needs its own font
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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