just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
