i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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