Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
