Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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