btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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