and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
