Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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