i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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