forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
