Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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