ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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