wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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