I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
