I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Vodka?
Forever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
