Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
