Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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