I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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