We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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