I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
