Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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