I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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