That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
