I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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