Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
