Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
