When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
