If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have tasted many bathrooms
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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