My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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