I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
