It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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