Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
