You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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