if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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