I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
