Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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