my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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